Tizi has been in our home for one month today. Levi says it seems like she's always been with us, he's right, it does. Since she has been home, she seems to have within herself a magnetic pull, this force that draws each of us to her. It's as though she has become our core. For the first week, it felt like we simply followed her, everywhere! I wonder how she felt, looking over her shoulder to find five people trailing her at all times. In part, it was the newness within our family, but mainly, it was the pure delight we felt in claiming Tizi as one of us!! We've since moved passed the paparazzi phase and have allowed Tizi some personal space, but we still watch her in sheer amazement.
In this amazement, we've spent the last month "learning Tizi." We've learned her to the point, that depending on which family member you talk to, she has grown into the name of Tiz , Tizi or Tiza. When she first arrived home, she was observant, tentative and quiet. As the days pass, she continues to observe, she is clearly learning us as well. What was tentative is becoming more confident and the quiet is gone! We've learned, as is true with most of us, she does not like to hear the word, "no." Her response is fierce, typically public and regularly, humbling, but we continue to attempt to teach her the boundaries and the rhythm of our family.
Tiz has her own rhythm, her own beat. She is independent and she is a fighter. She is our survivor baby and we are learning much from her. In learning Tizi, I have been surprised to find that I have also learned much about Levi, Jake and Josie. I would have guessed I knew all there was to know about each of them, but clearly not. They have loved Tizi as uniquely as their personalities. In watching them make connections with Tizi, they each have their own pace, their own language and their own love. I've seen them compromise and sacrifice as they haven't had to before. I've heard them laugh in ways that make me laugh along with them, without knowing what I'm laughing about. They have each become deeper in the person they already are. They have grown more beautiful to me, which I also thought impossible. I've always told the kids to dream big because with God's help, they will change our world. I'm watching them change our world and our home.
Thankfully, within this great love for Tizi, they've also reached some "Tizi limits" and have asked, "Mom, is it okay if I take a break from Tizi?" We had to work out the guilt in this request and talked about the importance of taking breaks from each other. It's what keeps us healthy and fresh, it's what makes us grow. Tizi probably wants breaks from us too.
Tizi has adjusted far beyond what we could have hoped for. In preparing for her arrival, I had compiled every worst case scenario shared with me and passed them along to Marc and the kids. Within the first month, none of the scenarios occurred. Where we do see Tizi struggle is with her sleep. While we were in Ethiopia, she slept through the night and took a two hour nap daily. Since arriving home, she has slept through the night twice, the other nights, she's been up two or three times, unsettled and scared. It makes me sad for her, sad to think what her mind may be doing. Is it spinning and unable to shut down because her days are spent learning and working hard to process this new and stimulating place she calls home? Whatever the case, peaceful sleep is not yet within her reach. The one night that she did sleep through, I slept four hours and stayed awake the rest of the night waiting for her to call out to me...go figure. As much as I miss uninterrupted sleep, there is no trade off. If she needs to rock or needs to crawl in bed with us until she feels safe, we'll figure it out together.
There are times in all of this adjusting where I still get this suffocating, panic feeling in the reality that this is now my life and these are now my demands. The overwhelming fear that energy and age and the big kids' schedules won't gel with the demands of a two year old can freeze me, but in the end, I try to take a deep, slow breath and remind myself that today is the day I'm living. My energy and age today can handle the schedule on our calendar and that's the place I need to be. Tizi put it all into perspective earlier today as we were riding in the golf cart. I had my hand over her legs as she likes to sit beside you in the seat. It has been a reflective day for me, this month anniversary. I was glancing at my right hand and happened to be thinking that it looked old. I needed a manicure. Cuticles were horrid. All sorts of ridiculous thoughts were circling in my brain, when Tizi silently reached her own chubby, beautiful dark hand over and laid it on mine. She then looked up at me, smiled and went back to watching the horses. In the innocence and beauty of her hand and her smile, God affirmed that all I have needed, has been provided. Together we've journeyed the first month, together we will journey forward.
Tizi doesn't understand the significance in her being, she simply is. She lives each day fully and wholly. She loves easily and laughs freely. The past that has shaped her is not something I know or understand, it's not anything she seems scarred by. In her innocence, Tizi has taught us that love isn't a certain language or culture of color. Love is showing up and being there. Love is sometimes imperfect and tired, it is unique and fun, it's safety and security. Love holds tightly and loosely, all at the same time. Love looks as different as each heart that carries it. In all that Tizi has taught me about love in this brief time, she has revealed to me how conditional and often stingy my own love can be. Tizi came from a place of precious, beautiful love and landed in our arms. She made us do little to earn her heart, I would have guessed we would still be working on this task today, this heart winning, but instead, she gave it to us openly, no strings attached. Watching this, this free offering of her glorious heart to our family has marked my own heart. How often do I hold back love until I feel safe? How often do I determine if a person is "worthy" of my love? How often do I not take the time to be loved?
Thank you Tizi for the gift of your open heart and boundless love. Thank you for teaching me that above all else, love never fails!
In this amazement, we've spent the last month "learning Tizi." We've learned her to the point, that depending on which family member you talk to, she has grown into the name of Tiz , Tizi or Tiza. When she first arrived home, she was observant, tentative and quiet. As the days pass, she continues to observe, she is clearly learning us as well. What was tentative is becoming more confident and the quiet is gone! We've learned, as is true with most of us, she does not like to hear the word, "no." Her response is fierce, typically public and regularly, humbling, but we continue to attempt to teach her the boundaries and the rhythm of our family.
Tiz has her own rhythm, her own beat. She is independent and she is a fighter. She is our survivor baby and we are learning much from her. In learning Tizi, I have been surprised to find that I have also learned much about Levi, Jake and Josie. I would have guessed I knew all there was to know about each of them, but clearly not. They have loved Tizi as uniquely as their personalities. In watching them make connections with Tizi, they each have their own pace, their own language and their own love. I've seen them compromise and sacrifice as they haven't had to before. I've heard them laugh in ways that make me laugh along with them, without knowing what I'm laughing about. They have each become deeper in the person they already are. They have grown more beautiful to me, which I also thought impossible. I've always told the kids to dream big because with God's help, they will change our world. I'm watching them change our world and our home.
Thankfully, within this great love for Tizi, they've also reached some "Tizi limits" and have asked, "Mom, is it okay if I take a break from Tizi?" We had to work out the guilt in this request and talked about the importance of taking breaks from each other. It's what keeps us healthy and fresh, it's what makes us grow. Tizi probably wants breaks from us too.
Tizi has adjusted far beyond what we could have hoped for. In preparing for her arrival, I had compiled every worst case scenario shared with me and passed them along to Marc and the kids. Within the first month, none of the scenarios occurred. Where we do see Tizi struggle is with her sleep. While we were in Ethiopia, she slept through the night and took a two hour nap daily. Since arriving home, she has slept through the night twice, the other nights, she's been up two or three times, unsettled and scared. It makes me sad for her, sad to think what her mind may be doing. Is it spinning and unable to shut down because her days are spent learning and working hard to process this new and stimulating place she calls home? Whatever the case, peaceful sleep is not yet within her reach. The one night that she did sleep through, I slept four hours and stayed awake the rest of the night waiting for her to call out to me...go figure. As much as I miss uninterrupted sleep, there is no trade off. If she needs to rock or needs to crawl in bed with us until she feels safe, we'll figure it out together.
There are times in all of this adjusting where I still get this suffocating, panic feeling in the reality that this is now my life and these are now my demands. The overwhelming fear that energy and age and the big kids' schedules won't gel with the demands of a two year old can freeze me, but in the end, I try to take a deep, slow breath and remind myself that today is the day I'm living. My energy and age today can handle the schedule on our calendar and that's the place I need to be. Tizi put it all into perspective earlier today as we were riding in the golf cart. I had my hand over her legs as she likes to sit beside you in the seat. It has been a reflective day for me, this month anniversary. I was glancing at my right hand and happened to be thinking that it looked old. I needed a manicure. Cuticles were horrid. All sorts of ridiculous thoughts were circling in my brain, when Tizi silently reached her own chubby, beautiful dark hand over and laid it on mine. She then looked up at me, smiled and went back to watching the horses. In the innocence and beauty of her hand and her smile, God affirmed that all I have needed, has been provided. Together we've journeyed the first month, together we will journey forward.
Tizi doesn't understand the significance in her being, she simply is. She lives each day fully and wholly. She loves easily and laughs freely. The past that has shaped her is not something I know or understand, it's not anything she seems scarred by. In her innocence, Tizi has taught us that love isn't a certain language or culture of color. Love is showing up and being there. Love is sometimes imperfect and tired, it is unique and fun, it's safety and security. Love holds tightly and loosely, all at the same time. Love looks as different as each heart that carries it. In all that Tizi has taught me about love in this brief time, she has revealed to me how conditional and often stingy my own love can be. Tizi came from a place of precious, beautiful love and landed in our arms. She made us do little to earn her heart, I would have guessed we would still be working on this task today, this heart winning, but instead, she gave it to us openly, no strings attached. Watching this, this free offering of her glorious heart to our family has marked my own heart. How often do I hold back love until I feel safe? How often do I determine if a person is "worthy" of my love? How often do I not take the time to be loved?
Thank you Tizi for the gift of your open heart and boundless love. Thank you for teaching me that above all else, love never fails!
