Today is such a significant day for Tiza. It woke me early just thinking about it. One year ago today marks the date that Emmebt, Tiza's birth mom, took her to the orphanage in Awash. I have relived the story Emmebt told us hundreds of times, trying to fill in the details that were missed, trying to put myself in her shoes, trying to feel what she may have been feeling, but in the end, I come up with blanks. Just these big gaps of the unexplained, the unknown that tends to drive personalities like mine crazy.
I still have a pretty clear picture in my mind of Tiza's first orphanage. I remember driving up to it, a dry, jutted road-path leading to this building. The building itself was fine, gated in, clean. The surroundings seemed different to me. It was within a village, but felt removed all at the same time. It seemed to be on a higher ground within the village. Maybe that isn't even the case, but that's what's in my mind.
Emmebt's story includes the fact that Tiza was staying with neighbors for care while Emmebt worked. The neighbors had no money, no food. They could not feed Tiza. When Emmebt came to check on Tiza, she saw Tiza dying. This is when she decided to take her to the orphanage. What did that feel like? How did they get there? How far away were they from the orphanage? Did she walk? Was she alone?
I wish we had the answers to these questions. When Emmebt first shared her story with us, all of this information was pouring out through our translator, and I'm sitting here today looking at my notes from that day with all these empty blanks. At the time, the emotions were so raw and painful I'm pretty sure if I had these questions, I wouldn't have recognized them because my focus was so on Emmebt and her brave, unselfish heart. It felt wrong to ask anything that would make her pain, her love act hurt any worse then it already did.
The time, the energy and the pain that must have been a piece of Emmebt's decision often consume me. During our adoption process, I was told at one point or another, when asking questions about birth moms, that there is often a different emotional process that goes on behind adoption decisions, referring to Ethiopia, then my mind was creating. This may be the case. It's evident that survival alone plays a role in a culture and a life marked with hard decisions, but even knowing that, I also know a Mother's heart will always be a Mother's heart and I find it impossible to disconnect the two, as much as I would like to. Emmebt's love act, single handedly, change our baby Tiza's life forever.
I look at her today, our sleeping baby beauty. This priceless treasure that has been in our home for almost six months and has changed our lives forever and I so wish that Emmebt could see Tiza. I wish she could be a part of what her unselfish love looks like. To hear Tiza's giggle, to feel her chubby arms wrap around your neck and then, the icing on the cake, she puts her skin so soft cheek against yours and just hangs on. I wish for Emmebt to have that kind of hug from Tiza, to feel that feeling that sticks with you all day and to see this joy filled child, this little world changer.
I've pulled out Tiza's first pictures. She was brought from the orphanage, to the hospital because of her severe malnutrition. I think the pictures are in the hospital, but the baby in the pictures is unrecognizable. It's difficult to connect the photo baby with real life Tiza. The empty, lifeless eyes, the tired position of the body, all of it makes me wonder how Tiza felt , what did she think was happening to her, did she even know where she was?
None of the answers to any of my questions really matter. We know what we know. Tiza gets her life changing heart from her birth mama and in the end, that's what really matters, that's what we go with. We pray for Emmebt daily. Tiza kisses her pictures in the book that we made for her. I wonder if Emmebt looks at the book we gave her? Does she think of Tiza daily? Is she safe? Does anyone love her? It's all of this, these spinning questions that can drive me crazy. I want it fixed or answered or different or something, but that is not the case.
The case is this. God has surrounded my world today with empty-eyed, tired people. I don't need to travel far and as the Christmas pace heightens, so to do the number of lives that feel broken and empty and alone. I can make a difference, we can make a difference. One of the pictures of Tiza's firsts, includes her first doctor's visit. She had been in our home for three days. It shows her sitting on the scale in the doctor's office. When Josie first showed me the picture, I had just glanced at it and actually asked, "who is that?" So much has our Tiza changed in six months. The baby in the photo looks dazed, in a bit of shock, uncertain. The scale reads 10 pounds lighter then Tiza is today. Today, Tiza walks onto the doctor's scale. Tiza's skin pigment has darkened from her original photo. She is this rich, beautiful black brown color that is unique to her. The dazed, shocked look is held by her family members, not by her. Tiza has transformed before our very eyes. I hope we have too.
I hope we as a family are, in honor of Emmebt, loving a little better. I pray we see lifeless eyes in others and try to make a difference. I want our actions to take the tired out of someone's day, if even for a moment. I know that December 6 will always hold a life changing place in my heart, Emmebt, I hope you know that too.
I still have a pretty clear picture in my mind of Tiza's first orphanage. I remember driving up to it, a dry, jutted road-path leading to this building. The building itself was fine, gated in, clean. The surroundings seemed different to me. It was within a village, but felt removed all at the same time. It seemed to be on a higher ground within the village. Maybe that isn't even the case, but that's what's in my mind.
Emmebt's story includes the fact that Tiza was staying with neighbors for care while Emmebt worked. The neighbors had no money, no food. They could not feed Tiza. When Emmebt came to check on Tiza, she saw Tiza dying. This is when she decided to take her to the orphanage. What did that feel like? How did they get there? How far away were they from the orphanage? Did she walk? Was she alone?
I wish we had the answers to these questions. When Emmebt first shared her story with us, all of this information was pouring out through our translator, and I'm sitting here today looking at my notes from that day with all these empty blanks. At the time, the emotions were so raw and painful I'm pretty sure if I had these questions, I wouldn't have recognized them because my focus was so on Emmebt and her brave, unselfish heart. It felt wrong to ask anything that would make her pain, her love act hurt any worse then it already did.
The time, the energy and the pain that must have been a piece of Emmebt's decision often consume me. During our adoption process, I was told at one point or another, when asking questions about birth moms, that there is often a different emotional process that goes on behind adoption decisions, referring to Ethiopia, then my mind was creating. This may be the case. It's evident that survival alone plays a role in a culture and a life marked with hard decisions, but even knowing that, I also know a Mother's heart will always be a Mother's heart and I find it impossible to disconnect the two, as much as I would like to. Emmebt's love act, single handedly, change our baby Tiza's life forever.
I look at her today, our sleeping baby beauty. This priceless treasure that has been in our home for almost six months and has changed our lives forever and I so wish that Emmebt could see Tiza. I wish she could be a part of what her unselfish love looks like. To hear Tiza's giggle, to feel her chubby arms wrap around your neck and then, the icing on the cake, she puts her skin so soft cheek against yours and just hangs on. I wish for Emmebt to have that kind of hug from Tiza, to feel that feeling that sticks with you all day and to see this joy filled child, this little world changer.
I've pulled out Tiza's first pictures. She was brought from the orphanage, to the hospital because of her severe malnutrition. I think the pictures are in the hospital, but the baby in the pictures is unrecognizable. It's difficult to connect the photo baby with real life Tiza. The empty, lifeless eyes, the tired position of the body, all of it makes me wonder how Tiza felt , what did she think was happening to her, did she even know where she was?
None of the answers to any of my questions really matter. We know what we know. Tiza gets her life changing heart from her birth mama and in the end, that's what really matters, that's what we go with. We pray for Emmebt daily. Tiza kisses her pictures in the book that we made for her. I wonder if Emmebt looks at the book we gave her? Does she think of Tiza daily? Is she safe? Does anyone love her? It's all of this, these spinning questions that can drive me crazy. I want it fixed or answered or different or something, but that is not the case.
The case is this. God has surrounded my world today with empty-eyed, tired people. I don't need to travel far and as the Christmas pace heightens, so to do the number of lives that feel broken and empty and alone. I can make a difference, we can make a difference. One of the pictures of Tiza's firsts, includes her first doctor's visit. She had been in our home for three days. It shows her sitting on the scale in the doctor's office. When Josie first showed me the picture, I had just glanced at it and actually asked, "who is that?" So much has our Tiza changed in six months. The baby in the photo looks dazed, in a bit of shock, uncertain. The scale reads 10 pounds lighter then Tiza is today. Today, Tiza walks onto the doctor's scale. Tiza's skin pigment has darkened from her original photo. She is this rich, beautiful black brown color that is unique to her. The dazed, shocked look is held by her family members, not by her. Tiza has transformed before our very eyes. I hope we have too.
I hope we as a family are, in honor of Emmebt, loving a little better. I pray we see lifeless eyes in others and try to make a difference. I want our actions to take the tired out of someone's day, if even for a moment. I know that December 6 will always hold a life changing place in my heart, Emmebt, I hope you know that too.
